[Whispers]


March 25, 2003 @ 7:37 a.m.
HA HA HA


How to clean the toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one swift movement, put the cat in the toilet, and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Ignore any noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse.")
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog

Computer Crash Course

<> !*''# ^"`$$- !*=@$_ %*<> ~#4 &[]../ |{,,SYSTEM HALTED
The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

Attention: Survey...

In the last month of last year a world wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure .... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Annoying Chain Letters

Hello, my name is none of your business. I am suffering from seven rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being mauled by squirrels, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a potato growing out of her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll meet the girl (or guy) of my dreams tomorrow! What a bunch of junk. So basically, this message is directed to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and write "I'm a moron" on my forehead in permanent marker in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by a knight of the round table and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. It's getting old. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

::THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS::

Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)................. Make a wish!!!......... No, really, go on and make one!!!......... Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!......... Wish something else!!!......... No, I'm sorry, we're out of ponies at the time being!!......... Have you forgotten why you're scrolling yet?......... STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be kidnapped by ninja elves and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2:
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of junk. So go on reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people,you will die instantly!!! Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3:
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad email addicts with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
1. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story* #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died too.
This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story* 2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was crushed by an anvil that was dropped by a plane that just happened to be flying directly above him.
This Could Happen To You Too!!!
2. Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. Friends Blah, Blah, Blah, Friends, Blah, Blah, Blah. A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, no one will like you for as long as you live. I mean it, as long as you live.

The point being? *If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you friendless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. *If it's funny, send it on. Don't annoy people by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only chance of living is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
*******
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your socks missing tomorrow morning.

Dear Marty

Dear Marty, Lately I have been unable to sleep since I encouraged breaking off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P.S.- Congratulations on winning the lottery!

Dr Seuss on Aging


I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad -- can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass

Blowjob Rules

---Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)---

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jack off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterward is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

---A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)---

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be sound asleep.

ROFL

thanks robbie for the kitty pic!

*preventry* *nextentry*


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