August 31, 2007 @ 11:12 a.m. Dear Daddy dear daddy. were you there when i took my first steps? or were you and mommy already apart? when you hit her with me in her arms didnt you think that it might have hurt me too? dear daddy. did you know that i lost my first tooth when i was 7? did you know it was my left top front tooth? did you know that i got four whole dollars from the tooth fairy that night? dear daddy. dana didnt like me. mommy didnt know what to do. she loved him and she didnt want a repeat of her first marriage so she tried to make him happy but she forgot about me in the process. dear daddy. why did you use that to your advantage? it must have been nice to only care about me three times a year. i used to be normal. dear dad. did you know i tried to kill myself? did you know i did it so that i could live with you. i fought. dear dad. did you know that i lost my virginity to jay? december 8th 2000. on the floor of his friends house? after saying he loved me just to get me to fuck him. did you know i cried? because i thought it was real. did you know that he broke up with me a month later for another girl? you said you were sorry as i cried. you liked him. too bad. dear dad. remember the mail key? oops. was that punch worth it? why did you smile when you did it? i dont think i had ever seen collette so happy. dear dad. do you remember zac... eric? yes, he was a horrible man. he treated your daughter better than her parents ever did. he protected your eldest son from james, the pedophile. he even once threatened to hurt james if i ever asked him to. why? because i mentioned that i was worried about him being around andy. dear dad. i never made love to zac. ever. he wanted to. i said no. he respected me. dear dad. zac gave me my first real kiss. i tried not to fall for him. and him me. but... it just happened... dear dad. did you know i still cry? dear dad. do you know why i kept chasing guys? i never felt any love. i always felt used. and like a burden. like a fucking orphan. dear father. i am not sorry. i had to get away. you never cared. you never saw me crying. my friends saw the bruises. they saw the make up trying to hide it. scott saw you through the window. he saw you hit me. he ran up and knocked. he wanted to hit you with his skateboard. but i shook my head behind you. they wanted to call the police again. but i didnt want the others to be taken away from each other. that is probably all they would ever have. dear father. i ran. you threatened. you cried. you felt everything i had felt for years. you swore you would get my mom back. dear father. you wouldnt even send my meds. not even the one i needed to live. or my clothes. dear father. i tried again. i failed. the successful failure. i live now. dear father. keith still has to hold me sometimes. when i cant stop crying. when i wonder why you havent called me in over four years. when i wonder why you did not see me graduate high school. dear father. you never talk to me. i am crying. all i wanted was a daddy. not a jim. dear jim. where is my daddy? *preventry* *nextentry*

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