July 20, 2003 @ 11:03 p.m. ::sigh:: so, bay is going to college soon...... i miss him so much... he is at orientation right now. he is going to be 3 hours away from me... i am so scared.... i dont want him to leave... he has been my everything for so long... and he still will be, but i am going to miss him so much. i just dont know what to say... he has been the blood in my viens for...... ever....... and he brought me back to God.... he held me when i was scared, he was there when i needed him, no matter what... he found me a place to live when i was homeless.... he has put up with me and my temper, and he is the absolute sweetest man on earth... and i have God to thank for that... but i cant bare the thought of him leaving... it just makes me sick, it makes me hurt all over... he is scared that i will cheat on him, and how can i? all i ever think about whenever he is gone, is HIM. and i get so mad when kelly and holly say that its not that big of a deal. like they know. he has been everything to me, and the reason (aside from God) that i am where i am and i have my sanity (somewhat), and i hate whn people say "well, its not THAT big of a deal." and they make me feel like all of my problems are stupid.... when he is gone, who do i have.... i know i have him, but i need his touch, his love, his kiss. that does not mean (whatsoever) that i am going to cheat on him, but it does mean that i am going to be lonely. today one of my friends asked me a really..... annoying question. she said "do you actually think that people take you seriously?" ouch! and then she said that people can easily forget that i am 19. i wanted to say, "well, i am sorry that i am not some stick-up-the-ass-i-am-miserable-no-matter-what-i-do-adult, but #1, i can be very mature when i need and want to be, but when i am, people say that i am too serious, and when i am not serious, they say that i am immature. so what do i say? i say "screw you." i look young; i look like i am 15; i cant help that. i DO expect people to take me seriously, because despite what they think and what their judgements of young poeple are, i am very serious. when i need to be. the Bible says for us NOT to worry. to give our worries to God and live our lives. when i am happy, i am goofy. so i have all these Christians telling me not to worry, and just be happy, but when i am, they tell me to "act mature." i think that thier definition of mature is: to be depressed: to always be worried: to always look sad and not joke around: to have a stick up your arse and only be goofy when everyone else is. sorry no. if i am happy and they dont like it, they can just go and lick a toad, because i dont give a damn anymore. if people dont like me, then thats thier problem, not mine. well, i am tired.... i gotta go, and...............I LOVE MY BABY!!! No matter what anyone does or says, him and i will be together if God wants it that way. We will survive this bay... i know we will... we are strong... XOXOX *preventry* *nextentry*

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