am i an artistic person? i dont know who i am. i think that i am making me hate myself. i want someone to understand me. last night was one of the scariest nights of my life. i felt... out of control of my life. for about 15 minutes, i hated myself. i was terrified. of what? dying. it hit me. you dont ever KNOW where you are going after you die. you just die. and i have NOTHING to show for myself. i am so scared of my hopes being shattered that i let go of my dreams. and then i lose myself. i dont even know who i am. where did it all go? the rainbows. the paintings. the crazy thoughts. the stories. my mind just swirls. i lose all of my thoughts. so what have i done?

i bought a micro-recorder. i can use it for many things, but now i can record my ideas at the drop of a hat. i can relive my passions.

i had a really great thought the other day. about ... well i dont know what about, but i thought of deja-vu. these thoughts and predictions i keep having... that i have been here, and then all of a sudden i hear a distant voice say something to me. something that will happen in the future. and it always happens. i dont know why. its the best thing one could ever have capability of sometimes, but it can also be the worst. and it always mixes me up. i have learned that when i am worried, i cannot predict things because my emotions get in the way. no, jamie, keith will not get into an accident on the way home, you are being dumb. this is not a prediction. stop telling him to stay here with you because he will get in a crash.

also, dimensions. do you KNOW how many diffent paths we could take when we make choices? for instance, right now i could get pissed off and type about the fact that i HATE arbys and their ridiculous "no-show" issue, or i could go to arby's tomorrow with a gun and shoot the person who caused me to have to stay at work until 12:15 am. i have taken the first choice, of course. but have we ever thought about that fact that there is a whole other world where i DID in fact choose the latter of the two??? but not in this one. i could also slap niza across the face and call him a bitch and get fired. but all of those things happened. just in different dimensions. i know, i know... its confusing. so am i. i just think these things all of the time and i never write it down. keith says that that is called physics and different plains or something to that degree. i was flattered; i now believe i am brilliant for being able to think of these things on my own. i am not stupid after all. i am just ADHD and ... truthfully? i dont care about a lot of things. like this world. i am a curious fruitcake. i dont want to be part of the ordinary. i want to be part of the extraordinary. so since i cant use big words a lot... i am not smart? no. i just... dont use big words. lol. too much surface in this world... really there is. dont ever take things at face value. and some good advice before i go; always treat the ones you love with care no matter what; do not yell about ANYTHING on a persons birthday. and dont burn bridges. ever. you may need to run away from something vicious over one one day. but if it isnt there... then what? you are SOL.

i love you keith! MUAH! had a great weekend with you and i hope you had fun too... despite fridays... endeavors and such... ***insert guilty pouty face here***....... love... J^_^J