March 31, 2003 @ 7:24 a.m. people suck So yeah! two more months till graduation!!! and then i dont ever have to see this horrid object called a "school" again. I kept thinking about my so called friends again this weekend. yeah. i am bitter about it. one of them (PAULINA) only wanted to hang out so that i could get her cigarettes. 10 minutes after she picked me up, she'd ask me to buy her some. then afterwards, she'd "suddenly remember" that she had to help her sister with her homework. and now that SHE is 18, i never hear from her. and she calls me horrible for not saying happy birthday. well first of all i felt like crap because i was broke and couldnt get her a present and second of all, i dont know her anymore, and i feel so used every time i look at her. i hate it. and then KEZA has to go and say that she doesnt like being everyone's caddy. so i dont have a car. bite me. the difference is that I actually have to work and pay for MY stuff, i dont just get it handed over to me on a silver platter. and i am working for it too. i am putting every last paycheck towards getting that car. so there. until then, if you dont wanna be a friend because i dont have a car, then screw you. i dont care because i dont need a "friend" like that anyway. people in this world are so shallow. i was also thinking about my life and how tired i am (ALREADY) of people walking all over me and treating me like crap. like my parents. they piss me off, make me cry, hit me, make false accusations towards me, and treat me like shit, and then when i finally have had enough and cant take anymore and leave, i am wrong and immoral. and they throw my belongings away. and if they are reading this i would like to remind them of how shitty my life really was, and how i didnt ever feel the love that a child was entitled to, and i didnt feel like i belonged to a family. the way that they and their "signifigant other" treated me was WRONG! the way they had me, divorced each other, and then went off with their own little families and forgot about me. how lonely did i feel? i began dating at the age of 7. ugh. and then they have the nerve to say that I was wrong, and needed to be disciplined. i still remember crying at night, and all i wanted was a real family. thats all. one that didnt fight, leave me out, or make it a point for me to notice how much better my siblings were than me. how much better your new family was then your old one, with me. i still feel that disconnection. that hatred where my parents think or have thought (and I KNOW that they have) how much easier it would be if i didnt exist. and my dad still wont admit that hitting a kid as hard as he did is wrong. waking me up at 3 am to tell me that i had taken the mail key and hidden it, when really, andy accidently dropped it into the toaster. or in new hampshire, when my dad was gone and collette would pick up the phone and tell me that she'd tell my dad that i changed my mind about living there just because i didnt want to be her slave and scrape the glue off the floor all day, and then take the kids out so that she could lounge (i am not a built in baby sitter, you know, and i was only 14). or when she took james in the dark bedroom for 30 minutes, drunk, right after she told me that she had all the reason in the world to cheat on my dad. then she told me that if i told, she would think up a horrible punishment for me. then lying and saying she had no idea what i was talking about. whatever. she knows what happened, i know what happened, and God knows what happened, and that is all that matters to me. because i dont have to live with her anymore, ever again. no more lies. i promise my self and my children that much. no more lies. no more cheating. no more treating people like crap. no more of her taking out her shit with my dad on me. the way she'd go through my journals and get pissed at what it said. the way she'd say shit about my mom, call me a lesbian bitch, and then say that i was being rude to her. ofcourse i disrespected her. there was a time when i trusted her, and told her, only her, that i was "bi sexual" (i thought i was) and i was going over to rosie's house. i had to do chores all day to get that. to get to go at 5pm, then she changed it to 10, then 11. then she said, "you have to come home by 10 to do more chores." (she was making me do it so that she wouldnt tell my dad something that happened). ofcourse i was pissed. then she said "why do you want to go over there? why? so you can fuck her too?" it took everything i had, every single bit of moral strength not to knock the living shit out of that.... woman. and then she lied about it. so much went on when dad wasnt home. and she only told him about what would happen AFTER she had done something rude or mean to me. whatever. i am so sick of lies and deception. i hope whoever reads this will remember to be nice to their children. dont spoil them, but love them. tell them that you do every day. or they will think that no one loves them. like me. i have to go before the bell rings. ha. sorry, i had to get at least a little of that out of my system. bye. *preventry* *nextentry*

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