i was talking to bay last night and i kind of lost it. i dont even know where the outburst came from. i just started crying and i couldnt stop. and then it hit me. i am still upset about leaving california. i just cried and cried and kept thinking how unfair it was. i had to leave all my friends behind. i never got to say goodbye. ever. i will tell you the story:

when i was 15, my dad and the family (colette, andy, mandy, and randy and i) moved to california. i hated it for a while, but then after i started making friends, i started loving it. i had never had such great friends, except for kira. i was so happy, but then it started happening. my dad started getting mad alot, and he had quite a nasty temper. he would yell alot and say things about how he hated cali, and we should never have moved there, but i loved it. and he knew that. he hated the fact that i disagreed with him. then he started grounding me and not letting me go out. one day he got a child support thingy from my mother and went burzerk on me. i got mad at him and told him that it wasnt my fault and that triggered his temper even more i guess. not only that, colette his wife, took what my mother was doing out on me big time. she would pick fights with me and stuff, and do and say mean things to me. so her and i would fight. then she hit me. uh uh. i hit that bitch right back. and she then started threatening to tell my dad that i had hit her, so i had to do everyhing she said. then they accused me of things. then my dad hit me. he punched me. he slapped me. he left marks all over my face. it hurt my soul more than it hurt my face. it got to the point that i was scared to go home. so one day i walked out and went to luke's house. luke was a friend of mine in the marching band. i loved the band. they knew everything about me, and about what my "parents" would put me through. they saw me come into the band room almost every morning in tears. anyways, i went to luke's house with blood running down my chin and a bruised up face and called my mom and told her that i wanted to come back, although i didnt. i had nowhere else to go. it was set; i was leaving cali in two weeks. meanwhile i was to stay at luke's house. i had two weeks to say goodbye. i was looking foward to a talent show thing i was performing at on wednesday with a few of my friends, so i was practicing for that. i wanted to go to my best friend, brandi's, birthday bash, but was told i couldnt because my dad knew that id be there and hed come looking for me. so i had to miss that and was very upset. wednesday came around and i was depressed about leaving, but i went to luch and acted like it wasnt happening. i fell asleep in math class, and the next thing i know, i was being shaken awake by someone; the girl in front of me. i gave her a strange look. she pointed to the door and turned around. there was a guy standing there with a note telling me that i had to go to the office right away. i got up and left with him and went into the counselors' office. she was sitting with luke's mother. luke's mom looked up and said "jamie, you are on the next flight to north carolina in one hour. we have got to get you to the airport. your dad is going nuts. hes on a rampage and he is on his way here to get you right now." i began shaking all over. "but what about my friends? i have to say goodbye! i cant just leave without saying goodbye..."
"you are going to have to." she said. "i am sorry, but its for the best."
i began sobbing hysterically. i had to say goodbye. i couldnt just leave like that. i just couldnt. i thought for a minute. "i have to give scott his jacket back." i sniffed. luke's mom tlted her head and then said "ok. but make it fast. you cant miss that flight."
"ok." i said. "i will." i ran. i ran so fast, but i couldnt even feel my legs. i was crying so hard. i ran into brandi's classroom and asked her teacher if i could talk to her; it was an emergency, and she said yes. i told brandi about the change of plans, and we both burst into tears. she hugged me. "i'll come back." i said. "i promise. i have to go, i am so sorry but..... i have to." i gave her a hug and ran as fast as i could, crying all the way. i got in the cab and cried all the way to the airport. i cried on the plane and i tried not to cry when my mom greeted me at the gate. after 2 days, i begged her to let me come back, i didnt care if dad hit me, i missed my friends. i wasnt allowed.

it hurt so bad. it always has. i just dont know how to deal with it. its so unfair. and last night, i realized that i am still hurting over that. and i cried so hard. i realized that no matter what, i wont let keith go. i wont let the one person that i truely love slip away from me yet again. i pray about it every night. it surprized me that it still hurt so bad after all this time. i guess i didnt know that i was still hurting over that. whatever. i am tired. *sigh* good night.