December 20, 2003 @ 12:29 p.m. and it happens so it finally happened. keith doesnt know if he wants to marry me. he doesnt know if he still loves me the way i love him. he told me this 7-8 hours ago. and i cried for about 3 hours. he doesnt know why. all i know is.... where did my baby go? the one that DID love me and who i am and was sure that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life? what happened? and why the HELL do i keep trusting people that hurt me? i thought that he was different. thats what morons always do. they always trust people and keep hope. well, i dont even know what i have anymore. all i know is that my best friend might leave me. and i am supposed to just sit here and watch. and not care. i bet his mom will be happy. he wouldnt even kiss me last night. all he could do was hold me. how could this happen? i feel so sick just typing about it. the tears are nearing my eyes again. God, i am so tired of tears. is that the story of my life? i hate this. i have to sit here and wait for him to break my heart... or should i let him? all the signs are there. should i do it before he can? or should i just let him do it? cause i know that he will. i just dont get this. the same sweet baby boy who loved me "more than anything" and knew with every bone in his body that i was "the one for him" is now telling me that i am getting in his way.... what do you say to that? is this the story of my life? he is the only man i have ever trusted in my entire life..... without being scared. and now here i am being my pathetic self once more and feeling so rejected. i told him... i told him..."you will change when you leave your mother's house.... i know it. thats what always happens. its inevitable." and he didnt listen. i mean, its true, sometimes i feel like it would be easier if our relationship wasnt constantly grabbing my attention... but if anyone knows me.... i never take the easy road. ever.and when it comes to people i love and trust, i dont even think about the easy raod. you see he sees me as an obstacle... maybe we should take a break. maybe we shouldnt talk this whole week. maybe .... something will happen... fools hope. "maybe i can make him love me.maybe i can lure him back to me." i did the same thing with tristan. in the long run, it only caused me pain. and suffering. and hatred. and i have considered flinging myself over a cliff. and getting drunk. but i will never let another man do that to me again. maybe i should just stop dating. it hit me last night why i always went after older men. my therapist told me that i, in many ways, have grown up faster than most people, and dating is one of those ways. i go for older men because they are ready to start a life and a marraige like me. whatever. i just know that.... i dont know anything. *preventry* *nextentry*

*Index*Archives* *My Page*My Bay*My Sisterhood*My Rings*My Quiz results*My Surveys*My Cliques*My Funnies*My Links* *Quizilla*Yodeling Fish*Catzia*AstridHaven* *Guestbook*Notes*Contact Me* *The "Us" Diary*Short Stories*My Anime (locked)*Secret Diary* *Live Journal*Greatest Journal* *Official disclaimer*About Me* *DiaryLand*