so what is it that i should do? i could clean up the mess that we have left behind, but i cant bring myself to do it... i could pick up the wet towels that were tossed to the floor after the hot bubble bath we took together.... i could put away all the handmade soaps that we washed each other with. i could clean up the room we have been sleeping in and fold the blankets neatly on top of the bed. but then it would be as if he were never here.

as i write, tears are in my eyes. it hurt to watch him leave. it hurt even worse to think that he might get hurt on the way back.....

i didnt want to let go of his hand... i didnt want to think that i would only feel another soft kiss in two weeks time. i wouldnt be able to look into his eyes. i wont be able to touch his face... or hug him....

i pray constantly, for God to bring him back here to me, but for his own reasons, he wont. maybe its good, maybe its not. all i know right now is that i miss that man more than i have ever missed anyone in my life.

i cant think. i cant operate. the thought of not being able to see his smiling face after work makes me hurt all over. i miss him so much. i need him so much...

last night i couldnt sleep... the thought of the pain that his absence would bring was too extreme... thats why i cant clean it up.... the blankets, the towels, the soap; they are reminders of his presence... Bay..... i miss you.....

hey sweetie... (its about 12:39am) and i am editing this... i just wanted to let you know that you are oh so dear to me..... and here is a gift..... from me to my Bebe..... i love you more than ANYTHING or ANYONE.... and sweet dreams, my love.... *kish!*

xoxoxox