ah, i cant be overly critical. i was once lame too. when i was in middle school i decided to call the local radio station and ask them what time the high 5 at 9 was. good lord. i bet they had a field day with that one. you have to forgive that one; i was in middle school. these people who ask me how many chicken fingers are in a four pack have a license. a license people. should this worry me?

astridhaven is cool as hell. i love their music.

yeah, so i have been drifting off into my own little world here lately. i have discovered that i dont know what i am exactly. taking many philosophy classes will do this to you. i have only taken one. i am a philosopher. i always want to know why. WHY WHY WHY. i take things apart without knowing why... or even realizing that i am doing it... to see how it works. and why. but why?

i feel like my body is hollow and has blissfully colorful paintings, paintings that are real, all over the inside walls, and my soul is a microscopic cloud of steam just flying through all of these surreal surroundings and landing every once in a while to see and feel the beauty. it keeps landing, and when it does, it doesnt want to leave.

i have a dream. a dream where everyone can live together as one, peacefully, helping each other out. giving. not taking. giving. caring. loving. not caring about skin color, not caring about wealth, not caring about looks; only caring about each other. why is that so bad? why is it so impossible? bless you mel gibson... bless you.

EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE IS SOMETHING MORE! THERE IS! what are you looking for? what are you searching for? do you even know? its peace. its love. we crave love. we crave each other. what is the key to life? the big secret? its love. do not forsake love. its more than you think. it means more.

i see palm trees. i see sand. i see stars. i see moons. i see.... i feel... i feel the world crying out for something that they cannot comprehend. they run from it. but it still awaits them. to embrace them. sailor moon has the right idea.

"...if i could buy my reasoning, i'd pay to lose..."

i couldnt breath. my body was dying... it hurt.... i couldnt breath. i struggle against the 200 pound man sitting on top of me... its no use. i cant breath. i am fading... like a star stops shining... the pain is intense... all i can think about is "doesnt he care if i cant breath? how could my own parent hate me so much as to not care that i cant breath? that i am suffocating underneath his feirce grip? why? all of a sudden, it stops. all of it. all the pain i have ever felt stops. the world vanishes and never existed in the first place. i dont even remember it. but the pain stopped. i cant feel any hatred or anger... its gone... just like that. i see my body, curled up and sleeping peacefully in a black void. i see this from above. i look up, and there are stars, billions of them, shining dimly but in different colors... there is one, however, that shines more brightly than any light i could remember seeing... its so beautiful, and it captures my full attention. i start to "float" toward it, feeling as if i am flying... i think that i am..... i feel myself smile, and i continue, slowly, toward it... but then i frown. i feel the sadness once again, and i get sucked into the curled up and sleeping me... the pain returns... i open my human eyes, terrified of what i have to return to... i see gray carpet and feel the sweat roll down my face. my hair is sticking to my cheeks. my shoulders hurt from where he restrains me. my cloths are sticking to my body. i suck in my first breath. how long was i gone? i hear voices... blurry, but there. they become clearer as i come to. "GET UP! the police are here!" he says. i can hardly move my arms, but i force myself up... and then i feel the greatest surge of hate i have ever felt in my life, and a voice inside my head, my own, screams "WHY? WHY WHY WHY??? WHY COULDNT YOU JUST LET ME DIE? WHY COULDNT I JUST HAVE DIED? WHY DID YOU BRING ME BACK HERE?" i hated him. why? i was happy. the world didnt exist. i was going away forever... but i was forced back here. all i could do was cry. i saw it. i saw Him. i saw love. i saw it. no more hate. no more..... world. it just went away. it is there. i saw it. i saw everything. love is the key.

all these temporary highs give us a very broken veiw of that world, or the other one... it depends on your heart. that is why we do it. that is why we crave it. because we see it, and we want more.

at least you havent seen the other one though... its as ugly as they say, and then some. at least you cant see them both. like me. like i have. one i am thankful for; it drives me... but when the i saw the other one.... i almost couldnt handle it...

be happy that you cant see it. or that you never have. love is the key.